My Restless Soul
by LeananSidhe4ever
Summary: Edward leaves Bella in New Moon and after trying to pretend she's ok she breaks down, ultimately giving in to her hurt she starts hurting herself, what will she do and follow her story of pain and anguish as she struggles with her broken heart. Sorry I suck at summaries. Canon Couples, Contains self abuse. Revised and edited.
1. Chapter 1

_**Hello everyone my name is Gabby and this is my first fan fiction so I really hope its ok… I will definitely be posting regularly and would love to hear peoples ideas, or criticism so please review. I'm exited to hear your thoughts and opinions, also I don't have a Beta so if there is anyone who would be willing to be my beta that would be awesome! =D **_

_**Ok all the characters and some references from New Moon all belong to the amazing Stephanie Meyer I am just borrowing them. =( **_

_**Hope you all enjoy. **_

_**The prologue is short but every other chapter will be nice and long =D**_

PROLOGUE

Through everything I have done, seen, I was not willing to give up just yet, one of my favourite quotes is from Shakespeares, Romeo & Juliet, "Death that hath sucked the honey of they breath, hath had no power yet upon thy beauty", was what I clung to in this moment. I know it means that to Romeo his love was still the incarnation of pure beauty even though breath would no longer escape her lips. However I hold on to it for a different meaning, to me if I see or at least know the truth, I won't blame my love, I will still love him, be devoted to him, with every ounce of my being and even in the absolute agony I now posses, I will still find him pure, beautiful, and to see him one last time... I would understand Romeo more so in that moment than ever, to see something so beautiful, that I love, that is so far out of my reach would be death in a sense, the death of me. So I ran as fast as my new strength would allow me, I was strong yet still weak, but I would not give up, I wanted, no I needed to find my best friend, I needed to know why, the least they would give me was answers. I was strong in my resolve that I wouldn't leave without them, and if it was infact all true and they never wanted me to start with than I would do as he said he once would, I would go. I would go to volterra so my body could die just as my heart had.


	2. Chapter 2

_**My first real chapter I hope you all like it =) and the songs for this chapter are For You by Angus and Julia Stone, because I think it expresses Bella's love for Edward, Hide And Seek by Imogen Heap because it fits Bella's feelings of hurt and reclusiveness and Blood by Middle East to express Bella's life and also what she has lost, I think it works because not only does it show how she feels from every angle or persona but gives insightful perspectives. Hope you all like it and please would love my first review. =)**_

My name is Isabella Swan, I'm 18 years old and I live in a very different world than the average teenager my age, and no I don't mean some weird spiritual thing, or different planet, I was normal, human but I was dragged into a world that over a year ago I thought would have never existed, I would have said you were crazy, that maybe you should go see a psychiatrist but now I knew the dark truth, about everything. I knew Vampires where real, Werewolves too, Shape Shifters, superior gifts that could do amazing or unspeakable things, and me I was just Bella. I was in love though, deep unconditional love. I moved to forks a year ago the single rainiest place in the entire Continental US, it was there I met the family that would change my life and the man that would hold my heart forever. The Cullen's, they became my second family, Carlisle was like a father to me and Esme like a mother. Alice was my best friend and sister and crazy future telling pixie, Jasper was like the protective history buff of a brother I never knew I had wanted till I had him and that had the uncanny ability to manipulate emotions. Rosalie was the most magnificent of all beauty and although I always wished I could call her my sister we never got that close, but she was still the strongest woman I had ever met and cared for her family, Emmett was my big brother, funny and silly and like a little kid at heart but built like a body builder and protected me like I was his little sister. Then there was Edward the amazing bronze haired God that somehow chose me, to love to hold, or so I thought, my love, that held my heart and soul in his very hand, I trusted him, he saved me from death numerous times, and yet after everything he was the one that had hurt me the most. Although a part of me always knew there was no reason that this amazing immortal being would choose me. I remember it like it was yesterday, and every hour of everyday hits me just as hard, the pain creeping out the hole in my chest, the place where my shattered heart still lies, bruised broken and the tiny fragments that now remained coursing hurt and pain through every vein in my body. Though I know no matter how much it hurts I can't forget, even if it was his unspoken promise.

_I followed him into the woods near my house, my feet making loud crunching noises as twigs broke underneath, compared to Edwards graceful walk, making no sound at all. He stopped only a short way in and I knew things were far worse than I had originally thought, the liquid topaz eyes I had come to love turned hard as if they somehow solidified, and I breathed out a shaky breath as fear gripped me._

_"We have to leave forks Carlisle is meant to be ten years older than he is and people are starting to get suspicious" he spoke but it was hard and cold, dead, just like his eyes._

_"Ok i'll think of something to tell Charlie" I said but I was still shocked from his cold tone._

_I looked up and realisation shot through me " By we you mean…?'" I asked but I was still not fully prepared for the answer._

_"I mean my family and myself " He spoke slowly clearly but it was definite, the decision was already made. _

_"Then i'll follow" I said but my voice was weak, forced and the pain was already ignited in my chest._

_"Bella I don't want you to come" He said his voice never wavering._

_"You don't want me" I gasped the pain growing as his words of truth flowed freely_

_"Your just not good for me Bella" He said, of course I wasn't good for him, I would never compare to this godlike creature, I was only a mere human, nothing!_

_"Not good enough for you" I sighed giving into the growing pain._

_"My only regret is that I let it go on this long" he sighed_

_"Please, don't" I begged but I knew my please would go on deaf ears, I was already too late._

_"This is goodbye Bella, but please promise me you won't do anything reckless for Charlie's sake" I weakly nodded my head before he continued "And in return I'll promise you something , you will never see me again, I won't come back, it'll be as if i never existed" I shook my head frantically, I closed my eyes at the pain, his smooth icy lips brushed against my head and then he was gone. _

It had been 3 weeks since HE left me, my love, my soul, my life taking with him everything I am, was, leaving just this broken shell. The first week the doctors said i was Catatonic, I was in the Hospital for two days before they let Charlie take me home, he had no idea what to do, so he left me to myself hoping it would pass, but only I know the truth it won't pass, in truth I don't think it ever will and as much as I want the pain to go away it is all I have, the pain and my memories, to let me know that he was real, that it all was. So here I was lying in bed thinking and looking at the notebook on my lap, trying to get through the pain, thinking that even if I was distracted for just a little it might help, but it hasn't happened yet. Tears filled my eyes and hot droplets cascaded down my sore cheeks, collecting at my chin before falling on the empty pages before me. Sobs racked my body as I try'd to gain control of the growing hole in my chest, I grabbed the pen and wrote a letter, addressed to Alice pouring out my feelings, my pain, heartache, how much I missed my best friend, my brothers, sisters, my parents, how I missed Rosalie even, and lastly him, there was several tear stains on the paper when I was finished, and I put it in the drawer beside my bed. I was broken without him but I didn't know what else to do in that moment but cry, sobs racking my body till sleep overtook me.

I was hoping the nightmares wouldn't plague my mind again but I was still woken by Charlie at 3 am; I was alone in a field and it was twilight the darkness was creeping slowly around me but I could still make out the dark figures coming towards me, they had blood red eyes and long cloaks, I was scared I looked around but all I saw was red, then realisation hit, blood, BLOOD! everywhere, and then the bodies started appearing in my vision, I gasped in horror as I looked around and began to recognise the faces it was my friends, my family and then I noticed the teenage girl siting in a ball crying, I forgot the hooded figures and went over to her, I placed my hand softly on her shoulder and when she looked up I gasped, it was me, covered in blood and it was still dripping from my mouth, blood red eyes and the express on my, her face, I backed away until I hit the stony figures in cloaks and screamed as they surrounded me. Another thing that had happened since he had left, I had terrifying nightmares every night that left me screaming in horror, agony and the horrible pain I'd grown to know. Charlie woke me every time, making sure I was ok, that I was still with the living, but that was also another thing I wasn't. As I got worse I did something I never thought I would but it made me feel better so that meant it was ok, right? though I knew Charlie would never approve, I always made sure to hide the growing number of scars on my wrists, but as I sat on my bed, and ran the sharp blade across my wrist till the gooey red liquid oozed out, the pain in my chest was almost forgotten as the searing pain in my wrist overtook, and I heard his sweet voice begging me to stop, but it only fuelled me further, I couldn't stop, all to soon the pain was back and I was placing the knife against my alabaster skin once again.

_(I wasn't going to include this at first but than the gap where she was unresponsive worked to my advantage for Bella's final condition)_

**SEPTEMBER…**

**OCTOBER…**

**NOVEMBER… **

And as the months went by I felt my everyday routine slipping as my frivolous attempts to make Charlie happy and think I was fine were gradually getting worse, I had thought I'd been doing well until he called me up on it, not talking, never going out. I had been trying my best but it was still not good enough, and everyday the dreary town that had become my home had shown my dark moods, and as the months went by my scars grew worse, deeper, closer to that one little vein that if punctured would make my life so much easier, they now where all the way up my arms, on my legs, my stomach and other places that to me deserved it, the places he never once touched and never wanted.

I had just got home from school one afternoon and made dinner for Charlie but when he came home he looked upset, conflicted, my eyes shifted nervously as he scrutinised my appearance, he sighed before sitting down, "How was your day" He asked, I sat down and nodded my head "It was ok" I replied.

He stopped eating then and looked at me, "Bella you have to stop, you know he is not coming back" He spoke slowly, kindly but every word struck my broken heart.

"I know" I whispered, trying to hide my pained expression from him, he sighed again and never have I felt more like I wanted to run, to hide from the curious eyes that scrutinised my face, from everyone, weak or not wallowing in my despair was all I wanted.

I woke the next morning feeling sleep deprived as always and sore, it was raining and the sky was dark, angry clouds surrounding me, I sighed before getting up and going through the stages. I had a shower letting the hot water wake up my stiff limbs and loosen my joints, it hurt as it ran over my scars and cuts but I welcomed the pain of the scolding water, when I finally got out I was red all over, and the cuts stood out of my skin even more than usual after being blasted under the shower, I looked at my reflection, I hadn't realised how different I looked, there were dark circles and bags under my eyes and I was boney and frail my face looked hollow, I was skin and bone now, due to my lack of appetite and I couldn't help but hate myself more as I stared at the form in the mirror staring at me, not beautiful or pretty I was worse than plain, I was ugly and I looked dead or close to it. I got dressed and put the bit of makeup I had on, trying to make myself look normal and I grabbed my bag promising I would try harder for Charlie, I got to school early and as I walked over to Angela I felt people staring at me, she looked surprised as I stopped in front of her and managed a weak smile, but luckily for me it was returned. Angela was the only one I trusted even a little to spend time with, I knew she wouldn't ask me questions but wait till I was ready, whenever or if that would ever happen.

"Hi Ang" I whispered.

"Hey Bella" She said, a hint of understanding in her voice, instead of the pity the others voices always held.

"I was wondering if you were free friday night" I said with what I had hoped was confidence.

She smiled reassuringly at me, "Yea I am did you want to do something?" She asked, I just nodded.

"What did you have in mind? Oh we could go to the movies in Port Angeles" I nodded again at her, and she smiled back.

"That sounds great" I nodded in approval, but I knew either way I wouldn't enjoy it.

"Can you pick me up at 6" she asked, "Yea sounds good" I replied, and she smiled at me, the bell rang then and she grabbed my wrist dragging me to our first class, luckily no one noticed my wince of pain, not even Angela, apparently, to happy that I was trying.

The rest of the day was rather uneventful until lunch when Angela insisted I sat back at their table, instead of _his_ old one, I sighed and nodded at her request, though I had no idea what I was getting myself into. As i sat down everyones eyes focused on me and an awkward silence proceeded across the table, I decided to break it though, "Hi guys" I whispered, the responses from the group varied, Angela happy, Ben happy because Angela was, Jessica's annoyed response "Yay… Bella's back" and Mike's golden retriever look came back in full force as he beamed at me sliding his chair closer before asking "So is, is Bella back…?" I just nodded while putting on the best fake smile, but it was the best smile I could manage. he smiled back "Good, good, got to get some meat on those bones" he said, while pointedly looking at my lunch bag, making me sigh knowing that he would be watching me.

The rest of the week went by much like this, I hated the attention now more than I ever had before, but I was still going to try till at least after me and Angela go out, that way, I was at least trying before I went back to my wearisome existence.

When Friday finally came I couldn't be more relieved, and after school I went straight home, Charlie of course was ecstatic, but I just couldn't catch onto his enthusiasm. I left a bit before 6 and went straight to Angela's, she was waiting out front and smiled as I pulled up, my roaring engine drawing the neighbours attention. I looked up as she got in and managed a small smile, though I'm sure she saw behind my facade I knew at least she wouldn't question like Jessica would, and with that silent understanding we headed off to Port Angeles.

_**So I thought I'd leave it there was having a bit of writers block the last week of how I should go about the chapter, and I've been really sick with the flu, not fun it still won't go away, so sorry for the wait guys, hope you enjoy, next chapters almost done so I should be updating tomorrow or the next day.**_


End file.
